FROM YOUNG Z MARKS IN INDIA. GET A TASTE!!"first of all, who the fuck is jessie kalick? second of all, homosexuality just follows me around the globe. i remember spending half of carnaval in rio last year dodging dudes' tongues that were tryna find their way into my mouth. ike and i got kicked out of a synagogue in israel for holding hands "too intimately" whatever that means, and when i went to iran with phil, we actually died for a minute cuz ahmedinejad said "there are no homos in iran, no homo."
i been tryna kick it hetero in mother india the past year, but when you're used to evan tossing your salad thrice a week, well, it's a tough habit to break. naturally, i had to find another tongue, yadig? so i start showin up in all these facebook photos with my bol young johnny k. we just doin normal shit, holdin hands, lyin on each other and whatnot (speaking of which, tetas de pollo, apparently young bols can see your fbook pics and comment on them even if your not friends wit demz. i notice this cuz my little sexy grade school students be creepin on my shit and then leaving comments on pics from like 2007 bein all "lukin gud sir." anyway, in school the other day, this dumb ass eleventh grader who always sends me night night text messages comes up to me all nervous, rappin bout "sir, you are looking so smart in your facebook pictures, sir," bla bla bla "but some are very naughty. yes, sir. sir, i showed them to my entire family, sir. oh, sir, they are so naughty, sir. like the one where you are, um, how you say, you are biting your brother's tit and he is holding your, um, leg, sir." anyway, that's your gay ass that little gay indians know about now, phil.) so back to me and johnny k. he's a good catholic school boy from ottawa, illinois so of course his mama hates abortion and gays, but she emails him, like, "john, you know you can tell us anything. we're only asking this because we're sure lots of other people are. is there something going on between you and zach?" of course there is. so with my gayness outed, i had no choice but to take it with me around the country. i went to the state of gujarat, where they massacre muslims and prohibit alcohol. you'd think they wouldn't let dudes rub up on dudes, but that's all they do doing the hindu holiday of navratra. men get in circles and dance like fairies. here's a story i aint never even told nobody here cuz it was just weird, not funny, not noteworthy because you could gleam from it some sociocultural trend, nothing, just weird. so im down in a quiet little fishing village on the arabian sea in the southern state of kerala (we were in the south for the tamil new year, pongal, the highlight of which is this crazy ass bull-riding contest called jallikattu, where dudes rub chillis in bulls' eyes and pinch their bulls so they ready to straight up stomp some poor tamil villager. and that's exactly what happens. a guy actually got gored to death at the jallikattu we went to. shit was intense. although not quite as intense as when we went to hyderabad for moharram, a muslim holiday where the shi'ites self-flagellate the shit out of themselves. slicing their foreheads, whipping their backs with knives, spraying blood everywhere, fuck. phil, remember that shirt you were gonna make, "if you aint ridin a camel, you aint shiite?" why didnt you make that? woulda sold like hotcakes.) back to kerala. i wake up at 5:30 to see the fishermen bringin in their haul from these big ass nets. im standing, arms crossed, just observing when one of the fishermen walks up to me, kinda smiling. he's a scrawny little five-foot tall malayalam dude. not many teeth. probably weighs 90 pounds. maybe 40 years old. he gets right up next to me and touches my dick! just touches it. then walks away. im like, what the fuck? i think maybe he meant to shake my hand but just missed and is embarrassed. but then he comes back to me like 5 minutes later. does the same shit! i dont say anything. i feel too victimized. i try to focus on the pomfret and sardine distribution that's happening in front of me, cuz seafood's pretty interesting, no homo. then he comes back, reaches out, i slap his hand away, he gets the idea that i don't want this to happen, and it's over. see, not funny, or a good story to tell people because it's not like "oh yeah, all keralan fishermen are kinda gay," or "well, those are the inevitable consequences of a society that represses sexuality and public displays of affection" (well, one of those consequences, according to this gay bookstore shopkeeper i talked to once, is that "in india, there are no gay people, just a lot of straight men who fuck each other.") where was i? oh yeah, i dont know, i just thought i'd tell that story in this forum because i feel like chicken titties is my safe place. thank you, chicken titties. god bless you and god bless america."
i been tryna kick it hetero in mother india the past year, but when you're used to evan tossing your salad thrice a week, well, it's a tough habit to break. naturally, i had to find another tongue, yadig? so i start showin up in all these facebook photos with my bol young johnny k. we just doin normal shit, holdin hands, lyin on each other and whatnot (speaking of which, tetas de pollo, apparently young bols can see your fbook pics and comment on them even if your not friends wit demz. i notice this cuz my little sexy grade school students be creepin on my shit and then leaving comments on pics from like 2007 bein all "lukin gud sir." anyway, in school the other day, this dumb ass eleventh grader who always sends me night night text messages comes up to me all nervous, rappin bout "sir, you are looking so smart in your facebook pictures, sir," bla bla bla "but some are very naughty. yes, sir. sir, i showed them to my entire family, sir. oh, sir, they are so naughty, sir. like the one where you are, um, how you say, you are biting your brother's tit and he is holding your, um, leg, sir." anyway, that's your gay ass that little gay indians know about now, phil.) so back to me and johnny k. he's a good catholic school boy from ottawa, illinois so of course his mama hates abortion and gays, but she emails him, like, "john, you know you can tell us anything. we're only asking this because we're sure lots of other people are. is there something going on between you and zach?" of course there is. so with my gayness outed, i had no choice but to take it with me around the country. i went to the state of gujarat, where they massacre muslims and prohibit alcohol. you'd think they wouldn't let dudes rub up on dudes, but that's all they do doing the hindu holiday of navratra. men get in circles and dance like fairies. here's a story i aint never even told nobody here cuz it was just weird, not funny, not noteworthy because you could gleam from it some sociocultural trend, nothing, just weird. so im down in a quiet little fishing village on the arabian sea in the southern state of kerala (we were in the south for the tamil new year, pongal, the highlight of which is this crazy ass bull-riding contest called jallikattu, where dudes rub chillis in bulls' eyes and pinch their bulls so they ready to straight up stomp some poor tamil villager. and that's exactly what happens. a guy actually got gored to death at the jallikattu we went to. shit was intense. although not quite as intense as when we went to hyderabad for moharram, a muslim holiday where the shi'ites self-flagellate the shit out of themselves. slicing their foreheads, whipping their backs with knives, spraying blood everywhere, fuck. phil, remember that shirt you were gonna make, "if you aint ridin a camel, you aint shiite?" why didnt you make that? woulda sold like hotcakes.) back to kerala. i wake up at 5:30 to see the fishermen bringin in their haul from these big ass nets. im standing, arms crossed, just observing when one of the fishermen walks up to me, kinda smiling. he's a scrawny little five-foot tall malayalam dude. not many teeth. probably weighs 90 pounds. maybe 40 years old. he gets right up next to me and touches my dick! just touches it. then walks away. im like, what the fuck? i think maybe he meant to shake my hand but just missed and is embarrassed. but then he comes back to me like 5 minutes later. does the same shit! i dont say anything. i feel too victimized. i try to focus on the pomfret and sardine distribution that's happening in front of me, cuz seafood's pretty interesting, no homo. then he comes back, reaches out, i slap his hand away, he gets the idea that i don't want this to happen, and it's over. see, not funny, or a good story to tell people because it's not like "oh yeah, all keralan fishermen are kinda gay," or "well, those are the inevitable consequences of a society that represses sexuality and public displays of affection" (well, one of those consequences, according to this gay bookstore shopkeeper i talked to once, is that "in india, there are no gay people, just a lot of straight men who fuck each other.") where was i? oh yeah, i dont know, i just thought i'd tell that story in this forum because i feel like chicken titties is my safe place. thank you, chicken titties. god bless you and god bless america."
USA USA!!
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